The Ashes: The ballad of Mark Ramprakash
I have stayed away from the Ramprakash/Trescothick debate in the last few days because it is pointless. It doesn’t matter who England pick for the Oval, the media will damn them for it either way. The players would either be past it (Key), not up to it (Bell, Bopara) or not ready (any debutant).
Ramps, as the media’s choice, would remain untouchable. How would the media react should the selectors succumb to their campaign?
A dodgy umpiring decision would be a tragedy. Note how Bopara’s dodgy 2nd innings lbw was still his fault because he got an edge instead of crashing it through mid-wicket.
If Ramps scores a half-century, it would show that the selectors should have been picking him for the last five years.
If he scores a century, he will be the next Prime Minister/Pope. No achievement would be beyond him, no challenge would so much as slow him down.
But, for the media, the absolute ideal would be for him to score a couple of attractive 20s or 30s before being undone by brilliant bowling or catching. Or a run out.
He would, in our peculiar English way, have succeeded without actually succeeding. A brief sparkle of an unfulfilled talent cruelly extinguished by those unsentimental Aussies. But it took their very best to get rid of him, demonstrating his indomitable English spirit and heroism before falling at the last.
That’s a cricket journalist’s wet dream. It wouldn’t even matter if Australia won the match in less than two days, because their hero had saved them, however slightly, from an even greater humiliation. Because, ultimately, it is not the result that matters to all the misty-eyed nostalgists but simply the event itself.
At this point, it might be worth remembering a previous Ramprakash Ashes moment. Not the century at the Oval in 2001, although, I should remind you that Australia still won that match by an innings. See what I mean about untouchable?
No, this is the 3rd Test of 2001 at Trent Bridge. England have managed to keep Australia down to a 5 run lead on first innings. They are building in their second, looking to set a target. Ramps has battled his way to 26 in over an hour and the score is 126/4 late on the 2nd day.
Suddenly he is dancing down the pitch as if Shane Warne is actually Karen Hardy. He performs a neat pirouette as the ball sails past, and is stumped by the length of Bruce Forsyth’s chin. Shane Warne had psyched him out in a way that Arlene Philips never could: “Come on Ramps, you know you want to”.
Consequently, England collapse to 162 all out, Australia win by 7 wickets and take an unassailable 3-0 lead. Hardly a case of calm under pressure. In his defence we are told that he is older and wiser now, has succeeded on a reality TV show (beats a trip to Ypres any day) and is anyway a better player.
Much is made of Ramprakash’s average of 42 against Australia. Yet, in the 1993, 1994/5 and 1997 series, his only appearance was in the final Test of an already lost series, with Australia in a job-done frame of mind. None of his other Tests against the old enemy would match this in terms of one-off importance.
It would be fascinating to observe how the media would react if he was selected and then went on to record a pair, getting out to two daft shots under pressure. That might very well be the cricket blogger’s wet dream.
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