It was jiggery pokery, trickery, jokery / How did he open me up? / Robbery, muggery, Aussie Skulduggery / Out for a buggering duck

Such was English cricket’s introduction to Shane Keith Warne in 1993, neatly put into verse by The Duckworth Lewis Method (OK, so Gatting actually made 4, but who’s counting?).  For the next 15 years or so, life wasn’t quite the same. Today, Warnie bowled his last over in professional cricket (unless he does a Martin Crowe, and on that subject may I just say “what the hell”?) in the IPL against Mumbai.  Naturally, he took a wicket by bamboozling the batsman in the flight and getting him stumped.

But it’s not been quite the farewell we might have hoped for, certainly not as much as his retirement from Test cricket. Mostly, he’s been embroiled in the row with Sanjay Dixit (no, me neither) which has cost him £50k after a BCCI disciplinary.

Still, we can remember the legend. The good (or bad) times. Old Trafford, 1993. Adelaide, 2006. That Titanic tussle in 2005. Brilliant.

And, of course, we can wax lyrical about how Warne changed cricket, resurrected the dead art of legspin bowling, inspired a generation of kids to become not nearly as good at cricket as he was. Don’t forget, he could bat too, and was an excellent slip catcher.

Neither cricket, nor Aussie Skulduggery will ever quite be the same again.

Note: You can see a number of Warne videos posted on my Facebook page.

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As part of a new marketing drive, called England’s Got Captains, the ECB have announced some sweeping changes to their management structure. In an effort to increase consumer/brand engagement, the following appointments are to come into immediate affect:

• Test Captain – Andrew Strauss
• ODI Captain – Alastair Cook
• Twenty20 Captain – Stuart Broad
• Emergency Captain – James Anderson
• He Can’t Believe He’s Not Captain – Kevin Pieterson (with special responsibility for getting out to left-arm twirlers)
• Cheerleading Captain – Graeme Swann
• Lightbulb Replacement Captain – Ian Bell
• Being Hated by Bob Willis Captain – Jonathan Trott
• Quietly Fretting About His Place Captain – Matt Prior
• Yorkshire Quota Captain – Tim Bresnan
• Associate Captain (International Relations) – Eoin Morgan
• Reaching the Top Shelf Captain – Steve Finn & Chris Tremlett (Joint)
• Next Cab off the Rank Captain – Ravi Bopara

The announcement was made, accompanied by an appropriate quantity of ticker-tape, by England Team Captain of Captains Hugh Morris, who also announced that next year’s England’s Got Captains would feature public auditions and a phone vote.

Strategic Pondering Captain Andy Flower also spoke to the press:

We’re very pleased to now have a strong core group of captains that we can select from. This can only serve to make England stronger in our quest to become the number one cricket nation in the world.

Note: Upon the receipt of legal advice, the following additional appointment has been made.

• Durham Captain – Paul Collingwood

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Life as a Pakistani cricketer is, to put it mildly, a challenge.

If you are a Pakistani cricketer, you are automatically an enigma.  This is the only quality that Pakistani cricketers have in their mentality.

If you are performing in the zone it’s because you have all the natural talent in the world, much more so than any Australian.  If you are not it’s because you aren’t trying hard enough.

It’s easier for an English cricketer – your form simply means that you are either quite good, utterly rubbish or Ryan Sidebottom.  If you are a Pakistani cricketer then there is no such thing as “form” because you are enigmatic.  Even your menu choices are met with knowing shrugs and muffled coughs by your foreign dinner companions.

The most lucrative cricket league in the world is Indian.  This means that you are forever destined to be decidedly less wealthy than Roelof van der Merwe.  Never will you get the opportunity to be damned on TV with faint, patronising praise by Ravi Shastri and Sunny Gavaskar.

The opportunity to aim a vast, swiped DLF Maximum towards Shah Rukh Khan’s head will pass you by.  You will never achieve a Citi Moment of Success in your life, ever.

You will never be as popular as Shahid Afridi, even if you are Shahid Afridi.

One day you might be granted the honour of playing international cricket for the Pakistan team.  Likely you will be forced to share a room with Shoaib Akhtar and his dubious personal habits.

If you perform badly, you can expect to receive a phone call from Ijaz Butt telling you that you have been banned from the team indefinitely.  The cost of this phone call will be deducted from your match fee.

If you are part of a team that suffers some comprehensive overseas defeat, then expect to be hauled before your national leaders to explain yourself.  Remember that you are enigmatic, so the incompetence defence will result in you being tortured and imprisoned.

The only possible explanation is that you weren’t trying hard enough due to your enigmatic nature, at which you will be tortured and imprisoned.  This is a motivational technique that has never been used on Ian Bell, although the ECB has contracted a company of chartered accountants and convened a working party to consider the idea.

If, miraculously, you manage to avoid this fate throughout a five week period, you will be made captain of the Pakistan team to ensure that you are no longer blameless.  Instead, you will be held responsible for everything, ever, including the rising price of oil.

You are, it will be assumed, a cheat and a match fixer.  In addition to the above consequences of poor performance, you will forever be accused of losing on purpose in a desperate attempt to become nearly as wealthy as Roelof van der Merwe.  Even your team mates and the PCB will assume this, and they will ensure that everyone knows that you were the one that was cheating, not them.

Being an enigma, the world will never accept that you dropped all those catches due to your dodgy footwork or because you lost the ball against the backdrop of the crowd.

If you have ever moved the ball in the air, even in the nets, you will forever attract the undue attention of television producers.  They will always have a camera on you when you are walking back to your mark or fielding at long leg.  Under no circumstances should you pick you nose on the field of play as you will be accused of altering the condition of the ball by using a foreign substance and the match referee will trouser your wages.

The final insult will come when Ijaz Butt telephones your mother and tells her that you have been banned from cricket forever, and you will be pelted with rotten tomatoes whenever you step foot outside Pakistan.  Your name will never be referenced in televised cricket commentary anywhere in the world ever again, without the additional use of the words “shame”, “controversy”, “disgraceful” or “alleged”.

But apart from that, being a Pakistani cricketer is ok.

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Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms? – Marcus Tullius Cicero

Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact – Henry James

Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we often might win, by fearing to attempt – Jane Addams

The next installment of the World Twenty20 is almost upon us, and England expects.  Unfortunately, the expectation is not one of triumph and glory, but rather of ignominy and defeat.

Where international cricket tournaments are concerned, England can have no “years of hurt” to comfort them like a stuffed animal at night, for they have never been victorious.  World Cup, Champions Trophy and World Twenty20: these three ghosts of cricket past, present and future continue to haunt England.  Of the current senior cricketing nations, England sit alongside only Bangladesh in a select club of non-winners.

The psychology of fear is a subject much loved by sports psychologists, modernist coaches and John Buchanan alike.  The eradication of fear from their athletes’ performances is the holy-grail.

Fear is a fairly broad term, and can include a variety of emotions such as terror, paranoia, sudden fright or a persecution complex.  Unless we are referring to Phil Tufnell backing away to leg, a prime mental stumbling block for sportsmen is the fear of failure, which can encompass paranoia, the persecution complex and doubt or distrust.  It is the gnawing fear that eats away at conviction and belief.  Occasionally it can be the onset of panic brought about by a sudden application of pressure.

Not only does fear inhibit boldness, causing sportsmen and women to retreat into their shell, it can also disrupt the decision making process.  How often do we see a batsman stifled and under pressure give up his wicket in a desperate attempt to get the scoreboard moving again?  This happens as often in a match-saving situation as it does in one where the run-rate must be maintained.

The twin evils of the sporting mindset

Watching England, particularly in the Ashes, during the last 20 years has been almost an object lesson in the cricketing psychology of fear.  In equal measures they have fallen victim to those twin evils of the sporting mindset – self-doubt and pressure.

Take the 2nd Test against Pakistan in 2001 as an example.  At tea on the 5th day, England had reached 196/2 in their second innings.  The game was meandering towards a draw, and England were anticipating a series victory having won the 1st Test by an innings.  Shortly after tea, Graham Thorpe lost his wicket.

In their first innings, England had reached 282/2 with Thorpe scoring a century.  As soon as Thorpe was out, the innings fell apart, and they were dismissed for 357, just 75 runs for the final 8 wickets.

Rather than being a one-off, the pattern was repeated as England succumbed to the pressure in that final session, this time losing their last eight wickets for just 60 to lose the match by 108 runs.  Yet there should not have been any pressure.  England had done the hard work, had a 1-0 lead already in the series, and needed merely to while away a couple of hours to see the job through to a conclusion.

Just 24 hours previously, the talk had been of a famous England run-chase after a good start to their innings saw them reach 85/0 in just 22 overs.  In 83 overs on that final day, they managed to score only 176.

So what happened?  The Pakistanis played their part by creating the conditions that triggered England’s collapse.  Recognising that England had started confidently, they initially set out to slow the scoring rate rather than take wickets.  Finding themselves struggling to score runs, England began to let doubt gnaw away at them throughout the afternoon without trying to change tack in order to break the shackles.

After tea, the dismissal of Thorpe and the taking of the new ball was the catalyst for the panicky collapse, a repeat of the first innings.  Pakistan had played well, and the umpires missed at least three no-balls on wicket taking deliveries, but England should still have held out for a draw.

Fear is always present in some way within sportsmen – the coaching holy-grail is impossible to instill completely.  Resistance to it can be nurtured and strengthened, but it has to be present to begin with.

One of the key aspects of the psychology of fear is the emotional response that the sensation of fear triggers, often referred to as “fight or flight”.  On that occasion in 2001, England’s batsmen chose flight, as they were wont to do throughout the nineties.  It took Nasser Hussain’s steely single-mindedness for England to learn to repel fear, and Michael Vaughan’s attacking instincts for them to learn how to impose fear upon their opponents.

The Dionysius of cricket

The Warne effect

In contrast, watching Australia in the last 20 years has been an object lesson in the art of instilling fear in your opponent.  Of course, it helps a great deal if you have some of the greatest players in the history of cricket, but it is not necessarily a pre-requisite.

The greatest of those greats, Shane Warne, was probably the best exponent of this art.  In addition to being a genius of technique, Warne was (is) a genius of the mind-game, without needing to result to sledging insults (although he does that too).

Virtually every ball was accompanied by a shout that said “so close”, even the long-hops that were smacked for four.  This wasn’t misguided optimism, rather part of a calculated plan to create pressure on the batsman even where none existed.

Warne was the Dionysius of cricket, suspending a metaphorical Sword of Damocles above the head of each and every opponent.  He would stand at the end of his follow through, hands on hips, or perhaps with one hand lifted to his mouth, staring at the batsman almost with a look of wonderment, as if to say “how did you survive that one, mate”?

More often than not the batsman, on noticing the sword suspended above him, would swiftly find some way to vacate his throne.

Some were better than others at resisting Warne’s pressure.  Sachin Tendulkar was perhaps the most successful, whereas Daryl Cullinan was famously almost destroyed by it.

Cricket is a game played mostly in the mind. No amount of technique and panache can compensate for the mental frailties that have reigned so tyrannically over potential throughout the years.  It is the reason why a battler, a yeoman such as Paul Collingwood can stand firm against the odds, and the reason why a stylist like Ian Bell can often crumble in the face of them.

It is the psychology of fear that makes Test cricket great.

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Steven Finn has long been highlighted as a good international prospect, and the chance that came his way through injuries in Bangladesh has heightened his reputation.

Add that to an early season blitz of Worcestershire for Middlesex, including 9-37 in the second innings, and it’s easy to see why people are excited. Andrew Strauss, who is turning out for Middlesex whilst the World T20 is going on, has been talking on ECB.co.uk about his prospects:

It’s now about being consistent. He’s got a good six weeks with Middlesex at the beginning of the season to show his form, to show he’s ready to play international cricket.

So far, so common sense.  This could be a good summer for Finn to ease his way further into the setup, with Test series against Bangladesh and Pakistan being more low-key than those of the previous two summers against South Africa and Australia.  But then, as the article compared the attributes of Finn to those of Stuart Broad and Steve Harmison, Strauss said something else which caught my attention:

Steven Finn is not exactly the same bowlers [sic] as Steve Harmison, they’re quite different in a lot of ways, but he gets up to 86/87mph with good bounce. In other parts of the world in particular it could be a great asset for us as a side.

The phrase that stood out to me was “In other parts of the world in particular”, and I immediately assumed that Strauss actually meant “In Australia in particular”.

England’s pace department is not exactly a crowded house at present, so it is very possible that Finn has a good chance to take the weather with him (sorry, I can’t help myself) this winter.  It will be interesting to see if he is included for the squad for the first Test against Bangladesh.

Foolish Ashes Prediction #2: Finn will be included in the England squad after further impressing in the summer Test series.

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If you’ve heard of the recent Tweet-off between Graeme Swann and Jimmy Anderson that took place in Covent Garden, but are not sure what it’s all about, check out this video. If you are sure what it’s all about, check it out all the same:

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Jonathan Trott has played once for England.  He is a South African, by which I mean a proper one, not the Andrew Strauss style “South African” with a middle-England accent gained from a childhood spent in England.  A proper South African.  So why is there so much fuss being made out of Michael Vaughan’s comments in his autobiography about him celebrating a South African victory?

Ah, that’s right, they were playing against England at the time, and he had been twelth man for England the week before.  So, a filthy traitor to the English cause will be the gist of every headline in every paper in the land.  Here’s the aforementioned inflammatory remark:

It was a sad day for English cricket that on my last day against South Africa I saw Jonathan Trott celebrating with South Africa, when the week before he had been our 12th man at Headingley.

I was going into the press conference and I saw him patting them on the back. It hit home what English cricket has become like.

What should be our independent, Non-Media-Influenced-Reaction to this – are we to expect the man to renounce all former ties to his mother-land and complete a ceremonial flag-burning initiation ritual?  Or should we be saying “what do you expect old boy, he is South African after all”?

Vaughan’s point was to highlight the fact that England have no qualms about picking foreign players in their team in the absence of any decent English ones.  Hence the “what English cricket has become like” part.  By which he means that the selectors have long since decided that they prefer to be mocked for picking foreigners than for losing cricket matches, although they managed both when they went for Darren Pattinson.

He wasn’t highlighting the act of the celebration itself – a pat on the back is hardly incriminating, opposition players often do it, and that doesn’t make them turncoats.

Ultimately, the ECB have decided that it doesn’t matter as long as Trott scores more runs than Ian Bell.  So look out for that happening this winter against…South Africa.

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James Anderson has ambitions.  One of them is to captain England someday.  Those of you in the know, and some of you who aren’t are by now rolling around on the floor.  That’s right, a fast bowler couldn’t possibly be the Captain of England.

That would be like an episode of Star Trek where the traditional lamb-to-the-slaughter member of the away team in the red uniform suddenly had control of the bridge.  Unthinkable.

Whether or not Anderson would make a good captain is irrelevant.  He’s a fast bowler, therefore no chance.  Except that it’s not quite true.  Here’s a list of some of the fast bowlers who have captained England down the years:

• Bob Willis – 18 Tests, 7 wins, 5 defeats
• JWHT Douglas – 18 Tests, 8 wins, 8 defeats
• Ian Botham – 12 Tests, 0 wins, 4 defeats
• Gubby Allen – 11 Tests, 4 wins, 5 defeats
• Andrew Flintoff – 11 Tests, 2 wins, 7 defeats
• Arthur Gilligan – 9 Tests, 4 wins, 4 defeats

Unfortunately for Anderson, all of those except Willis could be classed as all-rounders.  So let’s say that his ambition is one step above Monty Panesar’s desire to open the innings.  And he knows it:

It’s something I’d like to do – be captain – but as a fast bowler and from the north, I suppose I’m very unlikely to get a look in

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It seems that Kevin Pietersen wasn’t the only one who found working as captain with Peter Moores to be difficult.  Michael Vaughan’s new autobiography is currently being serialised by the Times, and in it he reveals the problems that he and the team were having with Moores’ style.

This extract, about the tour to New Zealand early in 2008 is revealing:

Before I arrived in New Zealand the squad had been particularly demoralised by an episode immediately after the thrilling fourth one-day international in Napier on February 20. The match had ended in a tie, with the Kiwis equalling our total of 340 in what the pundits would call a pulsating encounter. Having traipsed off the pitch after giving it their all, the players were ordered by Peter to do a full training session.

Vaughan continues by telling us that the idea was to intimidate the Kiwis with their hard work ethic, and how amusing they actually found the whole episode.  Moores comes across as somewhat insecure and controlling, “wantng to do everyone’s jobs for them” as Vaughan puts it.

After working with Moores for just six months, Vaughan says he felt that they would never forge a good working relationship.  Moores’ style might have been suitable for a young, inexperienced cricketer but for someone of Vaughan’s nous and experience, or Pietersen’s forthright self-confidence it is thoroughly incompatible.

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Craig Kieswetter has been touted as not only England’s next wicketkeeper-batsman, but also as the new Kevin Pietersen.  He qualifies for England in February and is eager to earn the abuse of South Africans everywhere.

But he didn’t perform well at the Champions League Twenty20, and has admitted as much in an interview with Cricinfo:

I put added pressure on myself by wanting to do well on this stage. It has not come off and I have learned lessons about cricket and off the field as well [source]

He also speaks about the advice given to him by Adam Gilchrist whilst in India, including the legendary

just catch it as a keeper and don’t worry about how you look

The reason England are excited about him, aside from his nationality, is his run-making for Somerset.  This sets the England selectors dribbling all over their England one-day shirts, especially as he is prone to mistakes behind the stumps, which they consider to be an indication of how seriously he takes his batting.

And Kieswetter is eager to play.  Here is the quote, which Cricinfo did not use in full in their profile piece, that shows us just how far he is willing to go:

I always felt English and felt I could live here and hopefully in time my accent will change and be more English.

Visitors to the Zummerzett dressing room during 2009 can testify to this ambition, as Kieswetter’s iPod is set to play the Wurzels on continuous repeat.

Rumours that Steve Davies will be learning Afrikaans with the assistance of Andre Nel next season to improve his chances of an England place have yet to be substantiated.

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